The Wettest Night of My Life - Real Sex

This happened nearly a year ago and it still gives my nightmares. So, I had been mailing this girl on Facebook (we got chatting after a few cheeky pokes), and it was easy to see from the word go that she was hurtin’ for a squirtin’. We arranged to meet up in my family house as my parents were away. Oh, I forgot to mention that I was the horniest I've ever been. (Not like me at all.)

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She had agreed to arrive at about 7pm. At about 3.30pm however, I began to get bored and slightly nervous. Taking both of these feelings into account, I made the executive decision to start drinking alone. Anybody reading this that possesses even half a brain will have already realized that this was a fucking terrible idea. I had a grand total of eleven bottles of beer before she arrived. She was grand. She wasn't the worst, but by no means the best either. I offered her a drink, but surprisingly enough she whipped a bottle of wine out her bag. She was nice, but it was still outrageously awkward. About half an hour later, I noticed that she had already made it through pretty much all of her wine. I was on beer 14.
I suggested watching a movie and she enthusiastically agreed. We moved onto the rum and within about an hour we were absolutely shitfaced eating the face off each other on the couch. This girl could hold her drink....or at least that’s what I thought. It was her that suggested we go up to the bedroom. I agreed. I was fucking demented.

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So we’re in bed bollocks naked and she starts sucking my knob. It feels great, but I start to freak the fuck out when I realize she’s talking to herself.  Now when I say ‘she was talking to herself’, I don’t mean that she was saying a few words here and there...this girl was having a full blown conversation with herself whilst she was licking my pickle. I was terrified. I thought she was possessed. I convinced myself that she was that freak from the Exorcist and I nearly started crying. I pull my knob from her gob and say it’s not going to happen and then both of us fall asleep.

I jolt awake a couple of hours later and hear a woman’s voice. I fucking freeze. I had momentarily forgotten where I was and who I was with. I grab my phone and shine it around the room. I’m expecting this devil girl to be on the fucking roof or some shit. She’s not. She is however, balls naked in the corner, talking to herself and taking a piss on my new Aston Villa jersey. Horrified, I go downstairs and sleep on the couch.
I manage to get her out of the house early the next day before the incident is mentioned. Naturally enough, I spent the next five hours on the phone telling every single person I knew about my night from hell.
I blocked her on Facebook, deleted her number and we never spoke again.
We both lived happily ever after.

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